The first time Mary was suspended off of the bus this year, we told her that we thought she needed a different learning environment. It wasn’t just because of the suspension. That was only a validation (the first of many to come) of what we already knew: she wasn’t thriving. Her grades fell dramatically, with as much velocity as her social life soared. The phone would wring incessantly for her, from 3:00 in the afternoon until well after dinner. She loved school, but only because she could - and did - come home everyday bragging about what it’s like to be the most popular girl there.
Twice, Mary had dentist appointments in the beginning of the school day, after which I offered to let her stay home, figuring we could take advantage of an opportunity for quality time together. I even offered to take her out with me for pizza if she did. Both times she politely assured me she’d rather just go back to school to be with her friends. The suggestion to switch her from the school she’s at now to a new one was met with ardent hostility. She could NOT be without her friends, she said, and we respected how she felt. Almost immediately after that first conversation, the school scheduled a parent teacher conference to discuss slipping grades and worsening behavior. The discussion to move schools was officially back on the table. This time, if she wanted to stay in the school she was at, she was going to have to prove to us that she could thrive there.
The hardest part has always been feeling detached from what goes on there. I love her teachers, councilor and administrator. But I can count on one hand the number of times she’s even been assigned homework or a project that could be worked on at home. I asked the teachers for ways that I could help her study or to otherwise be involved, and their answers were that unfortunately, most of the materials had to stay at school. There was a website that she could access from home which would help to aid her in preparing for the state test, but nothing that even gave me the chance to be involved. I was used to getting a monthly newsletter in the mail from her last school, detailing everything the kids in her grade were learning about and how. I was used to signing an agenda book every evening which had a daily list of all assignments to be completed and returned to school the next day. I was able to look over her homework with her and help to correct mistakes. I knew exactly what she was struggling with, where and generally even why. I knew that middle school would break that trend to encourage accountability and self-motivation in transitioning students, but it didn’t. It just cut me off from having any involvement at all in her crumbling education. I was rendered helpless to stop her grades from spiraling out of control. It was going to be up to her to bring her grades up all alone, when most days it’s all she can do to make it out of there without getting into a fist-fight.
Cutting to the chase: I want to home school Mary, at least for a year to see how it goes. I’ve scoured the internet. I’ve finished two books from the library. I’ve all but photographically memorized all of the pros, cons and statistics available in an effort to compare switching her to a different public school. Home schooling is something I never thought I’d “do to my kids” but nothing about it feels even remotely questionable to me anymore; nothing about it feels like it wouldn’t be everything she needs, exactly the way that she needs it, to succeed where she’s struggled for so long. Whenever I’m making an important decision, I get as familiar as I can with both sides of the coin, not just the side I’m leaning toward. And I’ve found that hands down, the biggest bone nay-sayers have to pick with a home schooling situation is socialization. I wonder, looking at my daughter, what it is exactly they picture when they think of the socialization a middle schooler gets in public school today.
I feel like I have a lot to offer someone in regard to perspective on this because my daughter is about as typically socialized within the public school system as a kid can get. Everyone knows who she is and she’s pretty universally adored, which is why she loves school as much as she does. But being socialized at eleven isn’t what it used to be. I couldn’t tell you what it was like to be the most popular girl in middle school fifteen years ago, but I can tell you what I see and hear from my daughter’s perspective today, and I’m willing to bet: it isn’t what the typical nay-sayer is thinking. Here’s a little insight as to what it’s like to be an extremely popular girl in an east coast, suburban middle school, today.
- You are not exempt from bullying. You are targeted incessantly, by your “friends” as much as anyone else. Everything about your clothes, your body and the income of your parents will be picked apart on a daily basis. (Not so different than back in our day, really.) The only difference is that people are willing to beat other people up on your behalf. Which, of course, comes back on you when their friends find out.
- Everyone, popular or not, is measured by how well they can fight.
- The more popular you are, the more you’re challenged. Three girls walked to our neighborhood once in the very beginning of the school year and literally knocked on my door just to [try to] beat up my daughter because she had so many friends.
- If someone is beat up, there’s a monumental amount of pressure for them to redeem themselves by beating up someone else.
- If you win in a fight, you are a hero. If you lose in a fight, everyone will hate you. Not tease you, they will hate you. When Mary was beat up the other day, sitting in the office with a bloody nose, her best friend… let me repeat that: her BEST FRIEND… came into the office just to inform her that everyone hates her now. Everyone. And then walked away.
- The girl who beat her up, by the way, was a good friend, too.
- If you are attacked and beat up - even if you never threw a punch, you are just as suspended as the person who decided they were going to fight you that day.
Here’s the best part!
- Boys don’t want to date you. They want to have sex with you. And because they have no idea how to even pretend to be romantic about it, they just come right out and ask you for it. Girls, nowadays, haven’t even matured enough to realize how gross and disrespectful that is. They think it’s normal. They think it’s acceptable. They think it’s flattering. BECAUSE THEY’RE ELEVEN.
- Most of the “friends” my daughter has in public school have either smoked cigarettes, weed or made out with a boy by the age of ten. Who do you think the first person they try to impress with this information is? The most popular kid in school, of course! The other day Mary told a girl who was bragging about some marijuana she had, that smoking weed is disgusting. The girl replied: “Well, I wouldn’t share it with you anyway. Actually, maybe I would. Then we’d probably be cool.”
The friends she had were proving to be more and more toxic everyday, with every story she came home from school, ready and willing to spill. (So much of the time, not even understanding why the stories she told were ‘that big of a deal’ to me anyway, which was the scariest part.) What started as a crush on a cute boy at the beginning of the school year, quickly turned into boyfriend/girlfriend/soul mate status and late night messages on her iPod saying things like, ‘I love you soooo much. I can’t stop thinking about you. I miss you!’. The incessant phone calls she got from friends weren’t conversations I had in school like, what are you wearing to school tomorrow? You should wear that cute, blue hoodie to match mine! They were phone calls starting rumors about who wants to have sex with who and venereal diseases and pregnancy. Fights broke out all the time. I started finding the eleven year olds she went to school with getting high on stolen weed at the park where I take my younger kids to play. A few of her friends are already skipping school.
I couldn’t stand what it was doing to her, that this is what she considers ‘normal’… what she tells me it’ll be like at any school she goes to because she knows other kids who go to those schools too. But we knew not to expect that middle school was going to be a picnic, so we talked to her often and tried hard to prepare her for the difficult years ahead, taking care not to be “too” overprotective. I found myself saying to her after the fight she had the other day, that she was going to have to be above the influence of drugs and violence in her school - which isn’t fair to ask of or even rational to expect of a kid so young. I reminded her that this wasn’t the first time she was faced with a violent situation in middle school and it wouldn’t be the last either. Then I stopped and I just shook my head. I hated that that was even coming out of my mouth. I couldn’t believe that I was just accepting that this is her life. Her everyday life. Her childhood.
People who aren’t comfortable with the idea of home schooling talk about children needing to be exposed to uncomfortable situations in the social world in order to become more capable, emotionally sound people, long run.
I realized though, talking to her that day, that I’ve spent the entirety of this school year shielding her with tooth and claw from having any kind of a social life outside of school at all. I’ve had no choice. Every social situation inside or out of school feels like knowingly and willingly throwing her to a pack of wolves. I couldn’t help that she was around it so much at school. I sure as hell wasn’t going to give up whatever small influence I had the chance to be on her outside of it, too.
Yesterday, I told her what I thought about home schooling.
And believe it or not, as much as she HATED the idea of switching to a different school, she was receptive. We talked for a long time about what would be different, good and bad, without holding back. I promised her that I could do it, because I’m confident that with a lot of dedication I can. And I promised her that she could even keep in touch with the friends she has at her current school, as long as it was mostly under my supervision. She will have more freedom, I promised her that, and I not only meant it, I’m excited by it. I have hated having to shield her so much from experiences a kid her age should be able to have with their friends. I feel much more comfortable letting her do things outside of my supervision after school, knowing I have the opportunity to be a healthy influence on her throughout the eight hours a day I currently can’t. I feel like I'll have adequate time to better equip her to handle toxic influences, should she still be exposed to them outside of school. I’ll buy her a laptop. I’ll let her have a face book to keep in touch with current friends, and she’ll be able to have them over here for sleepovers once a month. She’ll be able to pick classes and clubs - be they sports, music, art, math tutoring, whatever - so that she’ll never feel cut off from other kids her age. We’ll be able to focus on the things she loves learning the most and put a more concentrated, one-on-one effort into helping her through the areas where she struggles. We’ll join a group and go on field trips together. We’ll make sure that she doesn’t feel compromised of anything (healthy) the other kids have. And we’ll be able to give her so much of what they never will.
It isn’t written in stone just yet. All that being said, we’re still exploring the option of enrolling her in a different school in a better area. But I’m sold enough to start browsing curriculums, and insanely excited to have taken the first few steps.
(I don't think this illustration is necessarily without it's flaws, but it was an interesting Pin.)
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13 comments:
I love reading your posts and following along in your life events. BUT, this just struck a nerve with me. Let me say that your daughter seems incredibly lucky to have you in her life. I also have an 11 year old (boy) and it is a very tricky time...these "tween" years. I don't however, believe that having to "fight" your way through middle school is by any means "normal". I think you are absolutely right in thinking about getting her out of that kind of situation. What can that possibly do to one's confidence? Feeling loved then hated all by those who you think are your closest friends? It is no way for any child to experience school. You, as a mother, seem to have wisdom beyond your years and I believe that you will make a decision that is best for your child.
Thanks for replying Beth Ann. Every piece of perspective I can get on this helps. To be fair, her school isn't exactly the most reputable even though it isn't in a terrble area and I should probably edit this to make that more clear. We are hopeful that the other schools won't have the same issues. But it is hard to believe they won't be there at all, especially because Mary claims to have friends from those other schools who generally behave the same way. I'm honestly pretty biased at this point because even though, like I said, I love the staff at her school (I really feel like they do all they can and genuinely care about the kids), I'm very fed up with the general student population.
I believe homeschooling is the best solution, and from what you have written, this will most likely be a benefit for Mary.
I remember my middle school in a small red neck town in Northern California, being pretty tough. This was in the 70's mind you. There were always kids in trouble, and I mean big trouble, like alcohol and pregnancy, and drugs! I remember a fellow class mate being pregnant right out of eighth grade.
There was a creek running near our school, and you always heard the stories about the kids going down there to make out, among other things.
My own brother fell in with the wrong kids, and I remember him having fist fights in between classes almost daily. I hated that school, and when my brother finally did something that landed him in Big trouble, my mom put both of us in Catholic school. By the time I went to Catholic school, there were mostly lay people teaching, so it wasn't the stories you hear about the strict nuns. I LOVED that school. I went only for 8th grade, and then one year of Catholic high school. My parent's couldn't afford the tuition anymore, so we went to public high school. Those two years "reset" my brother is such a big way. He became a star athlete, and did wonderful in school. For me, I always loved school, so it just made me want to keep studying really hard. Our public high school was pretty good, so I graduated, went on to college, and so did my brother.
Long and short of it, you are going to come in at a time that you reverse a bad situation, and I applaud you for doing this for Mary. If it is homeschooling, parochial schooling, anything will be better that what she is thinking is the new normal.
Have you looked into parochial schooling? I know it can be expensive, but there are a lot of schools that do reduced tuition, or work for tuition. My sisters kids all go to Catholic school, and they do a reduced tuition, and volunteer. The difference in the education and environment is night and day.
I forgot to mention the other benefit of some kind of "religious" school is that they are all K-8, and the middle school is always tempered because of the mix with the small kids. The middle schoolers, end up being mentors, instead of living in a weird fake adult world, that is beyond their maturity. They can still be kids.
As a teacher I have generally not been a fan of homeschooling. Mostly because over here, I find for a number of parents homeschooling means giving their kids tasks whilst they do something else. And inevitably the kids come back to us in the late stages of high school with so many gaps in their education. That being said, I don't think our schools are quite as rough as they sound there, or at least not out in the rural areas where I am. AND having read your blog for a while now and hearing what you do with Your son I'm sure you will do an amazing job. Good luck!
My daughter is only 7.5 months old and I already plan to homeschool her. My best friend is a teacher and my brother in law is an educational assistant so I know the system and I just cannot fathom how public school is the right environment to learn in this day and age. Children all learn in different ways but with one teacher and 30+ students (and more and more funding cuts here in Nova Scotia) kids will always be left behind or bored whether they're grasping the subject or having issues. I don't even want to wrap my mind around the fact that 12 year olds these days are sexually active and clique-y and using drugs. When I was that age there were a handful of kids at school who smoked cigarettes and that was so bad. Mind you I grew up in a very small rural town and it was an eyeopener when we went to high school in grade 10 as the other schools integrating with us were far more "mature" than those from my town. But these days it's excelled to the point that you can't pick out the pre-teen on their lunch break from the university student heading to their next class. It's a sad state and I'm so happy to see that you're doing something about it to better educate and socialize your daughter! Oh, and sorry for the rant - I just get a lot of eye rolls when I mention homeschooling but really enjoy the passion you've developped for it!
Elizabeth and Bettina, your comments were both so helpful because even though our short term plan is just to focus on the upcoming year, if we do end up really loving the home school situation, we still want to see her attend high school with her peers - who I think just need some serious time to mature. We want to ensure that she’s re-acclimated to a classroom setting for college, and we want her to be able to walk across stage at a formal graduation. I really like what you had to say, Elizabeth, about a “reset” because that’s exactly what we’re hoping to get out of this.
I think it’ll be a good fit for her because she behaves so well at home and she’s always excited to come home and tell us about the interesting stuff she learns. (But then she does things at school that she’s mortified for us to find out about when we eventually do. It’s like she turns into a totally different kid.) So I don’t think the teachers aren’t doing a great job of teaching the material; I think she’s just having to focus so much energy on keeping up with her friends and staying out of trouble that she can’t perform the way she needs to. Plus, (and I don’t blame them for this) the school winds up needing to focus so much on “crowd control” that sometimes struggling kids can fall through cracks that don’t exist at home.
(Bettina! I’m e-mailing you soon. I’d love to hear more on your experience with home schooled kids returning to high school so I can avoid those gaps you mentioned.)
On the other hand, that’s not always the case. As nightmarish as our current situation with public school sounds, Mary’s had four wonderful years in public school with amazing teachers, most of whom she became very attached to and did very well with. Middle school is just a tricky time and I think it would benefit her specifically right now. Elle, it’s so funny that your comment reflects both sides. The majority of the opinions I’ve heard on home schooling sound a lot like yours, yet there are still so many eye-rollers and nay-sayers. (In fact, my husband’s initial reaction was exactly that! Until we talked about it more. ) We’ve been looking at curriculums all morning and I’m getting more confident and excited about this every day.
Thanks for all of the well-wishes everyone! It means so much.
P.S. Elizabeth, good point about the mixing of ages thing! Middle school didn’t start until 7th grade for me, whereas it starts at 6th grade for this school. I’ll tell you, that one year makes a tremendous difference when you’re talking about blending kids straight out of an elementary school setting in with eighth-graders, preparing for high school.
My mother did the same thing with me around the same age (6th grade). I was dealing with some of the same things your daughter seems to be and it was just too stressful. My mom moved me to a tiny, tiny school (7th and 8th grade were combined and still there were only about 15 students in the classroom) and I think it made all the difference. It was like a reset button that you've talked about in the comments. I went there for 2 years, then attended high school at the former school. I went there with more confidence and better social skills than I had before. High school was so enjoyable for me and I didn't get in one bit of trouble, even being smack dab in the middle of all of it because of the extracurriculars I did (cheerleading). I can't imagine what I would have ended up like had she not moved me to a smaller classroom setting. I think you're doing the right thing. My daughter is only four months old and I already plan on at least starting her out in a homeschool setting.
My heart breaks for the kinds of things kids deal. I work for CPS and see a lot of crap... it is SO wonderful to hear about parents standing up and being parents. I admire you and hope I can be like you as my little man gets older.
I am going to weigh in here...from my gut.
When home schooling first started to enjoy some popularity I was dead set against it. Partly bc of the reasons Bettina mentioned but also bc as a day care provider I have taken classes with some of the brightest, along with the least educated people imaginable. I would smh @ some of these folks home schooling. How do you know what you're getting?
As schools have deteriorated over recent years, I have opened my mind a bit. There was a HUGE difference in 1999 when my oldest son graduated to 2004 when Alicia graduated from the same school. I had a teacher tell my husband and I she did NOT teach math. They were to know everything when they walked through the door. (I followed her down the hall, shooting questions right and left to receive a haughty response of her nose in the air. True story. Well, if a student much know it already... then it seems to me the guidance of home schooling is the way to go.
Alicia does not live in a bad area nor do I. As a matter of fact when my children were young I moved to this area, tripling my school taxes in order to provide them with a better education.
In defense of teachers, they have very little recourse with unruly students.
So Alicia, knowing how bright and dedicated you are, I say go for it. You can do this.
Mary, despite not having her biological mother, will be fine. She has her paternal grandmother whom she is very close to. A blood relative who loves her unconditionally. And she has you. Though not her 'blood', you both share the blood of Matthew and Scarlett. I know...and Mary knows, you love her unconditionally. You are an awesome role model.
I am no fan of George Read School, not have I ever been. Getting Mary out of that environment id essential to her progress, though!
This post makes me feel sad. Mostly because I find it heart-breaking that the already difficult middle school years can be made more difficult by a school where violence is prevalent.
Before I had kids I wondered why people would ever homeschool their kids but pretty much from the minute I put mine in preschool that thought turned into "yep, I get why people do that". And then again when my kids started public school (and we have an excellent school system) I really understood why parents made that choice. It seems like a choice that would work well for your family. Sometimes when we debate how to handle problems and it comes down to "anything else". If what you are doing really isn't working maybe trying anything different even if you're not 100% sure about it, is better.
Best of luck to you all - she really is lucky to have you for a mom.
So sad to hear about the school district that I grew up in having so much trouble. My middle school is now an "alternative" school :( A lot of my girl scouts are having similar issues in Christina and it's hard to help them when you can only do so much because you aren't the parent... Some of the most grounded people I know have been home schooled at some point in their life and I'm sure you do well by Mary :)
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