|In other news, Scarlett opened an envelope successfully for the first time, ever. I was really kind of impressed.|
Can I just unload on you for a second?
It has been really, really hard to catch a break around here recently.
Whenever I sit down to write anymore I find myself just wanting to kind of dump it all into one, big, messy, totally unorganized I-don’t-even-give-a-shit post. I feel like maybe if I do that, just once, my head won’t be such a foggy, preoccupied mess. Maybe I’ll be able to unwind… the way writing in this thing used to help me to do. The thing that stops me from doing it is just remembering how badly I want this place here to represent us impartially. It feels disingenuous to gripe about how much is going wrong, when so much of what I’m choosing not to write about is actually going well. It feels just as insincere to write about holiday crafts and trips to the museum for Matthew’s birthday, though, when what I really want to write is HOLY MOTHER OF FUCKING GOD IF SCARLETT SHOVES HER HAND INTO UNFLUSHED TOILET WATER ONE MORE FREAKING TIME I’M GOING TO LOSE IT!!
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not angry with my kids. But being this edgy is a new experience for me - a humbling, discouraging, draining experience - that I kind of need a break from talking about. Even on here. Which is part of why I haven’t. The other part is because I’m busy fishing tampons out of bathwater and peanut butter out of hair.
Yesterday wasn’t any different, either. But because I know this blog could probably use a little nudge in the direction of cheerful, I thought I’d reflect on a few small pieces of the day that actually made me smile, instead. Really smile. If only just to remind myself that I haven’t forgotten how. And kiddos? If you ever read this someday: to let you know that even in the thick of your most unhinging behaviors, you are still no less the reason I do.
So, yesterday I smiled when:
1.) Matthew woke up and said, “Mom, I need paper and paintbrushes. I have pictures in my head I need to get out.”
2.) Scarlett literally caused so much of a mess yesterday within a ten minute window of time that I couldn’t even help myself from laughing until I almost peed. I had to break down and give her a SECOND BATH that day because of the incurable amount of jam streaked through her freshly dried hair. Then? For the second time this month she pulled an entire waste basket of empty tampon applicators into her own bathtub water. This child is a disaster zone. I must have laughed for like ten minutes, without breathing, while I pulled them out. I have never felt so crazy in my life.
3.) Matthew helped Scarlett up when she fell and I heard him say, “There you are, my beautiful girl…”
4.) The skating center ran out of the skates that could have the wheels locked down a little for beginners during Matthew’s lesson, so he had to use skates that were incredibly difficult for him to balance on. It was really discouraging to him because he’s been doing these lessons for a really long time, and really thought he had it pretty much nailed. He absolutely refused to get overwhelmed, though, despite the fact that he must have fallen at least 600 times. To top it off, when we left he complimented another kid on how great they were. He is really growing into a boy of significant character... I have a feeling four will be a good year for him.
5.) Scarlett danced to the Hokey Pokey during the skating lesson, trying seriously hard to make her body do exactly what it was supposed to. She looked so hilariously befuddled I couldn’t even look at her without doubling over. Seriously, it was painful. This kid is such a nut.
6.) My hair looked awesome. All day. (Matthew would beg to differ. See #8.)
7.) Matthew helped me pick out a Valentine’s Day card and some chocolates for Mary at the store. It put an obvious, little pep in her step after school.
8.) Matthew tells me I’m beautiful all of the time, but he genuinely hates my new haircut. Yesterday, I asked him how he got to be so clever and he said it’s because whenever he turns a number [has a birthday], his brain grows, making him smarter. I told him that I was about to turn a new number soon and that I wondered if my brain would grow. He said: “No mommy, you will get more beautiful.” (Awww…. I said.) Then he added, “Because hopefully your hair will grow some more, finally.” L J
9.) As soon as the kids and I were done writing our valentine cards to mail off to the grandparents, we found valentine’s for each of the kids in our own mailbox from mom-mom and pop-pop Stucky! The kids were totally psyched to each open their own card (even Scarlett!) and find five bucks inside. Matthew even read his, entirely on his own, without even letting me TRY to help him on the really tricky words. (‘Cause and XOXO look an awful lot like cactus and socks to a novice reader, but he eventually got them!)
10.) Spencer came home from work with roses, a card, beer, a movie and grocery bags filled with stuff for him to cook ME a steak dinner with brussel sprouts. He said that the only stipulation was that the kids go to bed early, and Mary stay up to eat with us… 1.) because she loves steak, too, and 2.) because she’s also his valentine. …Melt my little heart… He even picked up a carton of my favorite ice cream for dessert, and a carton of hers, too! (I should mention that we NEVER get to watch movies anymore. Or T.V, period. We get up so early that sometimes it’s a struggle just to make it to our bedroom after dinner before we fall asleep. Suffering the grocery store and cooking dinner after a long day of work, plus staying up late to watch a movie with me afterward was like, a mega-awesome treat.) Totally made my day.
11.) During dinner Spencer told me that Matthew broke his heart in the best way, ever. He said that he apologized to Matthew when he got home from work for losing his patience with him the night before and sending him to bed, crying. Matthew said, ‘That’s okay Daddy. When I’m upset I just get a good book and read to myself until I feel better. Last night I was really sad, so I had to read my robot book like, two times. But then I was fine.’
12.) After that, we talked a little bit about how we can basically fuck up seven ways to Sunday raising these kids and they will still be awesome, almost as if to spite us. “I love that about them,” I said. And he agreed.